Mindfulness: Everything Is Okay

A Different Perspective

At this very exact moment, you are okay!

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to calm down anxiety, fears, and worries.  When you pay full attention to the present moment, you realize that there is nothing to immediately fear or worry about.  We have this illusion that time is extremely fast in which is why we feel so connected to our past and our future.

The interesting part of practicing mindfulness, is realizing how long a second can be when you are fully focused on the moment.  Did you know there are things happening in the world that take less than a second to do?

  • An insect can flap its wings over a hundred times within 1 second.
  • Lighting can strike across the sky in less than 1 second.
  • The eye can blink several times within 1 second.
  • Speak one verbal word in less than 1 second (thus saying “One Mississippi” is supposedly equivalent to 1 second)
  • Supposedly, neuron cells fire several hundred times within 1 second.

Personally for me, 1 second is a long time, especially,  knowing that some things that I barely notice take place in less than a second.  It makes me wonder why I might be worried about something that may not happen until tomorrow, I mean that is 86,400 seconds away and that is if the thing that I am worried about will even happen at all.

When I focus on the present, time for me seems to slow down.  It makes yesterday feel like days ago and tomorrow a week from now.  Maybe that is the gap needed to disconnect ourselves from the feelings we have from yesterday and the feelings we have for tomorrow.

Focusing on today is good, but focusing on the very moment is better.  It reminds us that we are okay, regardless of any problems we are experiencing or going to experience (or not experience at all), we are okay at this very moment in time and it is this moment in time that matters the most.

I hope when you find yourself having a rough day, you go to bed at night knowing you are okay and tomorrow is a new day.

 

 

 

 

“Purge & Burn” Journaling For Pure “O” OCD

Journaling is like whispering to one’s self and listening at the same time.  – Mina Murray, Dracula   

I journal a lot, but I have to admit, I am terrible at journaling everyday.  I didn’t know if I lacked motivation or commitment.  However, one day I decided I was going to “google” it.  I wanted to know how to “keep” a journal; turns out, “keeping” a journal wasn’t the problem, it was the way I was journaling!

Journaling can be therapeutic; but it’s not very therapeutic, if you think you might be journaling wrong.  For me, I was beginning to feel a little stressed out not being able to keep a daily journal, because I was under the impression that there was only one right way to do it.  unnamedWhen I think of keeping a journal, I think of having a beautiful thick leather notebook, written in perfect cursive handwriting, with 365 days of intriguing entries.  However, in reality, I have several spiral notebooks, each with just a few days of intriguing entries, and the rest filled with colorful pictures drawn in crayon by my kids.  Well, when that happens, I just donate the entire notebook to the kid’s art box.

I even tried setting reminders on my phone for journaling time.  But then, I had this crazy irrational thought, “What if I could be doing something really cool, but instead, I wasted that opportunity because I was journaling instead?  What if I miss out on an epic adventure!”  (One of my irrational OCD thoughts from back in the day).

Turns out, you don’t have to journal everyday, it doesn’t have to be pretty, and there is no right or wrong way to journal; the therapeutic point to journaling is expressing yourself to a silent audience (the paper) that holds no judgement against you.  And, just in case you are wondering, journaling for just a few minutes a day will not make you miss out on anything “epic.”

Having learned all that, writing everyday was certainly not for me.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t motivated or committed, no, I later realized that I just didn’t have a desire to record my entire life story.  I journal, because it is therapeutic and realized, the days that I  do not journal (the large gap in between entry dates) tells me, that I didn’t have the need to journal and that is not a bad thing.  But then, I discovered a new way of journaling, a better way in which benefits my OCD brain….I call it, “Purge and Burn” journaling.

Purge and Burn Journaling

I still journal, but it isn’t every day and now I don’t even keep a journal notebook.  When I am feeling strongly emotional or upset about something, I “purge and burn.”  Basically, I purge all the thoughts in my head onto a couple pieces of paper and then after a day or two, I shred them (alternative to burning).  This is my way of clearing the mind when it feels as if it is being weighed down by heavy emotions, overwhelming stress, junk thoughts, or struggling with a personal problem.

Purge and burn journaling allows me to easily let go of my thoughts and feelings.  Once those thoughts hit paper, I no longer feel attached to them.  When I no longer feel attached to my thoughts, my mind becomes clear.  Then, when I read those thoughts on paper, I am able to better rationalize those thoughts with a much clearer mind.

Purge & Burn Journaling To Overcome Pure “O” OCD Episodes 

Truth is, purge & burn journaling helped me effectively end my bad Pure “O” OCD episodes.  See, I couldn’t let go of intrusive thoughts which caused me emotional suffering.  It was so frustratingly difficult, especially, when experts where telling me how easy it “should” be to let go of thoughts.

Have you ever struggled with letting go of thoughts and were instructed to do this:

“Imagine your thoughts as fluffy white clouds and just let them pass over you.  Don’t hang onto your thoughts, because those thoughts are clouds and you can’t hang onto clouds…”

Well, I tell ya, that is WAY easier said than done.  My intrusive thoughts never came in the form of white and fluffy clouds.  They were dark, ominous, rain clouds that stood overhead pouring buckets of intrusive thoughts on top of me.  Yeah, it was a lingering thunder storm in my head.

Fortunately, someone agreed with me that someone with Pure “O” OCD cannot just simply “let go” of thoughts.  Sometimes the OCD brain must be tricked into letting go of its intrusive thoughts.  It was then when I learned about a different technique where I was instructed to “voice record” my OCD experiences (no details spared) during an episode and then play it back, over and over and over again.  After awhile, your mind begins to rationalize what it is hearing (rather than what you are thinking) and the strong overwhelming bad emotions begin to ease up.

Well, personally, when I speak, I sound like Minnie Mouse who just sucked helium out of a ballon.  Basically, I don’t like listening to my high-pitch voice on recording (it seems to amplify my high-pitch voice), so I decided to journal my OCD episodes on paper instead, and then reading it over and over and over again (aloud if necessary).  I experienced the same effect; an eventual sense of calmness.  I was able to better rationalize my experience, thoughts, and emotions.  Although it was difficult the first couple of times, this technique eventually became very effective for me.  The first time, in a long time, I felt hope.  Those dark, ominous, rain clouds turn into those white fluffy clouds those experts were telling me about and a gentle breeze pushed them away out of my OCD brain.

Purge & Burn Journaling As Routine Maintenance

Unfortunately, purge & burn journaling, by itself, was not the cure-all in overcoming my Pure “O” OCD.  I overcame my Pure “O” OCD by also working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques, Stress-management, and practicing Mindfulness and Acceptance (all in which I will talk more about later).  Today, I rarely have any OCD episodes and when I do have one, they fizzle out within minutes without even thinking about it.

I still journal today, purging all my thoughts on paper and then tossing those thoughts into the trash.  I think it’s great for my overall mental health.  Not only does this allow me to better problem solve, but it is a great way to relieve stress.  Also, I think this is my way of effectively keeping my OCD brain in check, by making sure emotions don’t build up into anxiety and trigger an OCD episode.

Feel free to share your thoughts… 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Story About Kindness and Autism

Today, I have a story to share about a man I recently met who is working on overcoming his challenges with Autism and how he help me with a small dilemma.

The Not So Genius of Genius Ideas

This weekend, during a family drive, one of our kids got sick in the family car due to a small case of motion sickness.  Anyways, by the time we got home, it was getting late and I still had to go grocery shopping.  However, unlike, a semi-rational person who would simply just remove the car seat (as it was just the carseat that was dirty) to take the family car to the store, I decided to take our second car, instead…Our vomit-free, super tiny Smart Car.  Yeah, not one of my best ideas.

The Smart Car Packing Challenge

At checkout is when I realized I might have a slight problem fitting all my groceries into a tiny car.  I must have let out a loud sigh, because the cashier took notice.  I then, explained my dilemma.  The cashier paused, looked at all the groceries (a week’s worth), and laughed with me.

In the grand scheme of things, my little dilemma was nothing; in fact, it was just another one of my everyday normal adventures.  I am capable of loading my car with groceries; however, to be honest, it wouldn’t be pretty.  I imagined I would have taken up all space in the Smart Car, using up all the space of it’s tiny so-called trunk, the passenger’s seat, passenger’s floorboard, and my lap, if needed.  I doubt I would be mindful of things that could get smooshed, like eggs, bread, and fruit, because I would be too distracted with the thought of just getting it all into the car.  But, nonetheless, I would be sure that every item would fit!

A Different Way Of Thinking

I think people with Autism are remarkably brilliant!  They seem to process information differently, in which, can be beneficial to solving very unique problems.  In this particular case, fitting a week’s worth of groceries into a tiny Smart Car.

At checkout, a man overheard my dilemma and with much enthusiasm wanted to help me load my groceries into my extremely tiny car.  “I can do it!” he confidently told me.  We chatted while I finished paying for my groceries and I honestly wasn’t expecting him to actually help me.  I mean, it was so kind of him to offer to help, but it wasn’t necessary; yet, when I was ready to leave, he kindly insisted.

This kind man’s name is Alex.  He told me he could help me, because his mind works like the game Tetris.  And he was not kidding!  He cheerfully chatted with me the entire time, while he loaded my car with groceries, not once pausing to think about what he was doing and how he was going to do it.  He quickly managed to fit all my groceries into the small space behind the seats (the so-called trunk area).  Not only did all the groceries fit in that tiny space, but nothing was smooshed.  He was extremely mindful of everything, heavy solid items on the bottom with soft fragile items on top!  Having all the groceries in the back of the Smart Car was quite impressive, especially, since I was certain that some of it was going to have to sit up front with me.

I really appreciated his help!  It was such a kind thing to do!  I also appreciate the way his mind works!  I know Autism is challenging, but I thought it was pretty great how he used one of his Autistic abilities (the way his mind works like Tetris) to help others.

Thank You Alex! 

I thanked Alex for helping me and unexpectedly, he told me, he has a YouTube Channel! That is super cool!

Here is his link to his Channel:  Autism Speaks Alex2018 .  He told me that he talks about his life, living with Autism, and asked me to check it out.  He posted a new video today.  He holds a positive attitude towards his everyday challenges with Autism.  After watching a few of his videos, I think his positive attitude is an inspiration to everyone!

Autism does have its challenges and I find it extremely awesome and inspiring that I met a man who has chosen to tackle those challenges with a positive attitude, a kind heart, and as well as, take full advantage of how his brain works to help others.  I wish him the very best with his You Tube Channel and may he continue to keep a positive outlook while overcoming his challenges with Autism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depression: Why People Might Be Ignoring The Truly Depressed

Version 2Believe it or not, but last week I was in a state of depression.

I spent the entire week in my pajama’s.  Dirty, stinky dishes piled the sink and began to take over the counters.  I had 4 bags of trash sitting at the door and the house looked like a “hoarder” in training (okay, probably not as bad as a hoarder).  Regardless, I was totally in a funk.

Saturday, I bounced out of my so-called funk.  I took a shower, dressed up (even put on shoes), took a small stroll outside for a cup of coffee, enjoyed my cup of coffee overlooking the scenic hills from our patio, and without effort, cleaned my house.  The old, happy, overly positive, smart ass me had returned.

I must have been in a funk, because my husband surprised me by taking the trash out and I didn’t have to ask or tell him to do it.  That is a huge act of kindness, because my husband hasn’t taken out the trash in about 2 1/2 years!

Pesky Seasonal Affective Disorder

Every Winter, I encounter short periods of depression.  It is supposedly referred to as “Seasonal Affective Disorder.”  It is something my father and I both experience every year, like clockwork.  We call it our “hibernation” period, because that is what it feels like to us.  The first short day of Winter, we become hermits and spend most of the winter snuggled up in warm winter blankets, relaxing on the couch, watching movies and eating junk food.  Then, as soon as Spring hits the air, we are rarely found indoors and we tend to shed our junk food weight without effort.  Unfortunately, we might experience a couple days of depression during our so-called hibernation period, in which, is most often triggered by dark, cold, rainy days and last week, was certainly dark, cold, and rainy.

Lack of Positive Support

Saturday, I gave Depression a lot of thought; especially, about people who have chronic depression.  Not everyone who experiences depression is fortunate enough to have the ability to easily get out of their state of depression.  Furthermore, I realized just how significant negative surroundings can impact your ability to get out of any state of depression.

Last week, in my small state of depression, I noticed that when I tried to reach out for help, nobody cared.  My closest friends and family either didn’t have time to talk, thought my depression was “ridiculous,” viewed depression as a gateway to drama, or just didn’t know how to handle it and simply ignored it.  Personally, those kind of responses seemed hurtful, but honestly, I think are quite common.

In most cases, I think people just don’t want to be swindled into a possible “pity party.” Depression can be used as an effective way to gain attention for those seeking attention.  It can also be used to manipulate people and take advantage of their kindness.  Furthermore, depression can also be used as a convincing excuse for laziness.  I think this is maybe why some cases of true depression are overlooked or ignored by others.

Then, there is also the inconceivable notion that happy people cannot simply experience depression.  Welcome to my world!  When I ask my friends and family why they don’t take me seriously when I express my depressed feelings, this is their response, “But you are always so optimistic, happy, and always smiling; how could you be depressed?”  Well, shall I start with the mechanics of the human brain, because after all, I am human.

Not everyone is going to be forthcoming about their depression and reach out for help.  I think a lot of people keep it to themselves in fear of these types of negative responses.  If you think about it, if one with true depression does reach out for help and is bombarded with negative responses, how does that give one hope that they will overcome their depression?  It doesn’t, it makes them believe that nobody cares and encourages the feeling that they don’t seem to matter very much at all.  And, I think that is how depression worsens over time for some people.

The Power Of A Good Hug

I am not an expert on depression and I know everyone experiences depression differently, but if I were to offer some advice on how to make a depressed person feel like they matter, when all the words in the world become meaningless, I would say give them a hug.  It’s a good start at least.  Even if they don’t want a hug, cross those boundaries and give them a hug, well, just be sure to do it in a non-creepy, supportive way.  I know there are times when I don’t want a hug, but I could probably use one and despite saying “no,” I probably wouldn’t stop a friend from giving me a good hug.  It is amazing how a simple hug can make a person feel like they matter when all the words in the world just don’t seem convincing enough.

Dealing With Those Faking Depression

Personally, I treat everyone expressing depression with kindness, compassion, and understanding, including those who are just seeking attention.  The truth is, I don’t know what everyone expressing depression is going through and those who fake depression for attention, are doing it because they are obviously going through something too and need just as much help.

Everyone needs positive support, but it only becomes useful, if you offer the right positive support.  In situations, in which I am bamboozled into feeling sorry for a person faking depression, I don’t start to ignore them; instead, I begin to provide the type of support they need rather than what they want, in effort to help push them in a different positive direction and protect me from unnecessary drama.  However, this is totally not ideal for toxic people.  When toxic people hit the radar, the best thing to do is to ignore them.

My point is, treat everyone with kindness, compassion, and understanding, so that you don’t miss anyone who is actually in need of help for severe depression; keeping in mind that even those faking depression, might need your help too.

Thoughts?  How often do you think depression goes unnoticed and what would you do to comfort a person with depression? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zen for the Awkward Pupil

How do I become one with the Universe?” I once asked myself, during a time when I felt as if my brain was broken, and obviously, just after watching Kung Fu Panda.  Yeah, don’t judge me, everyone loves Jack Black!  But, seriously, so many “mystical Kung-Fuie” questions filled my brain, distracting my (once then) OCD brain from messing with me for awhile.  That was when I decided my OCD brain could use a little Zen; after all, it wouldn’t hurt.

As the awkward, can’t take anything serious, tiny person that I am, achieving Zen was a bit challenging…

When I think of Zen, I think of wedgie tight yoga pants, crystals, candles, a third eye, and achieving Nirvana like a Dragon Ball-Z character, glowing with massive energy, hair turning color, and surrounded by levitating furniture.

Image result for dragon ball z power. up

Apparently, I had high expectations for Zen.

Trial and Error with Zen 

The only way to achieve Zen, is to become Zen.  So, I squeezed into a pair of yoga pants, sat in the middle of my living room floor, closed my eyes, and waited…

Nothing.

Next, I burned some incenses, candles, and bought a few rocks (crystals).

Nothing.

Contacted friends, read a few books, downloaded a few apps, squeezed into some yoga pants (unnecessary by the way), saged my home, lit a candle, turned on some music, sat cross-legged in the middle of my living room, closed my eyes, took in a few deep breaths and waited….

Nirvana!

Well, at least I was close.  I doubt I reached the stage of Enlightenment, but I did eventually find my inner-peace and it was the beginning of a beautiful journey in overcoming my OCD brain.

Avoid The Awkwardness: Art Of Mindfulness 

To be honest, and I wish others would have told me this, you don’t have to try on yoga pants, buy a bunch of rocks, sage your house, burn exotic incenses, or meditate for hours to achieve Zen.  You just need to be yourself and simply practice a little Mindfulness.

What I love about the art of mindfulness is that there is no need for crystals, incenses, or candles, you can do it anywhere, anytime, with your eyes open, standing up, wearing your normal clothes, and nobody will know you are achieving Zen!

You can try it now:

  • Take in a few deep breaths.
  • Then, slowly, one at a time, focus on the following:
    • Breath: Bring your attention to your breath.  Notice your body moving with your breath and the sound your breath makes.
    • Sight: Bring your attention to the room around you, identify shapes and colors.
    • Sound: Bring your attention to sound, what can you hear?
    • Taste: Bring your attention to your mouth, what can you taste? Notice textures of your teeth, gums, roof of your mouth.
    • Touch: Bring your attention to your hands.  Notice the textures of your chair, keyboard, or maybe a pen you are holding.
    • Smell: Bring your attention to your nose.  What can you smell?  How does it make you feel?  Does it trigger any memories?  Good or bad?

Do you feel better?  If not, it’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.  It just takes practice and your full attention.

Practicing Mindfulness allows you to clear your mind, step back from chaos, live in the moment, and gain new perspectives.  For me, I use mindfulness to ground myself and RESET my brain when I begin to feel stressed out or overwhelmed.  Of course, I still like pretty rocks, exotic incenses, and practice a little yoga.

How do you achieve Zen? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Fascination With The Brain: Pure “O” OCD

My Broken Brain

Once Upon A Time….

I was diagnosed with Pure “O,” Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Pure “O” OCD is a mental torture of obsessive intrusive thoughts, running through the mind on repeat, like a broken record.  It is often triggered by anxiety and causes extreme distress (at least for me it did).  Rarely, does it involve compulsive behaviors (like washing hands, counting, or straightening things).  It is claimed to be a “less severe” form of OCD, but personally, I would have given anything to have had compulsive behaviors, for that it is the compulsive behaviors that satisfy the obsessive thoughts, ending the suffering.  This alternate thought processing illness was ruining my life.  It affected my relationships, social life, everyday living, and ultimately, and more importantly, my happiness.

I was not born with OCD; it was triggered by trauma.  I do not know what “traumatic” experience triggered it, but whatever it was, it certainly threw my brain into a loop; literally a repetitive loop.  Because I was a Biology student at the time, studying the field of medical science, I was fortunate enough to have access to a college library, where I was able to dig into the science of brain function and mental health.  This doesn’t make me an expert of any kind, but it was extremely beneficial to my recovery.

Yes, I have successfully overcome the suffering caused by my OCD brain. The therapist who officially diagnosed me, encouraged me to seek my own answers, by telling me that “therapists can only provide the tools needed to overcome mental health problems; they cannot provide cures.”  She directed me onto the path for self recovery.  It took 3-4 years to overcome my OCD without the support of a therapist and medication.  With research and study, I learned to practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, Mindfulness, and Acceptance; all in which, rewired my brain in such a way that my OCD no longer controls my thoughts, emotions, and more importantly, my happiness.  My OCD episodes are extremely rare, so rare in fact, that I often forget I have OCD.

Asperger’s: A New Way Of Thinking

 I am happily married to a man with Asperger’s.  A unique relationship between two different minds, an Asperger’s mind and a non-Asperger’s (OCD) mind.  We are an average, happy, normal, everyday married couple, until my emotional heart clashes with his over-logical brain.

Not everyone with Asperger’s is the same.  Not everyone with Asperger’s are going to express all the common documented traits. Also, the severity of Asperger traits vary among individuals.  In fact, nobody’s brain is wired exactly the same, even in so-called normal individuals; thus mental health is so complex and complicated.

My husband, has a “mild” case of Asperger’s and in his case, he expresses all the documented traits of a text-book definition of Asperger’s.  For a person like me, who is trying to better understand my husband’s Asperger’s, I am grateful for the text-book version.  However though, text-books don’t hold all the answers.  As I have learned, from my own personal experience with mental health, text-books only provide a foundation of basics in which are to be used to help guide you though overcoming the challenges of mental health problems.

What I find so fascinating about my husband’s Asperger’s, is that it does not seem to cause him any “suffering.”  He might find social situations to be uncomfortable and he is often mistaken as being extremely rude and selfish, but it does not seem to impact his happiness.  This leads me to believe that not all mental health diseases are actually “problems.”

In my husband’s case, I don’t look at his Asperger’s, as a mental defect, but a normal brain that simply just processes information differently than the so-called “normal” way we know a brain to cognitively process information.  Personally, I would think it to be naive of one to say, “Hey, there is only one right way for the brain to process information.”  That would be like one saying, “Hey, there is only one right way to prepare a tuna sandwich.”  I don’t know, but for now, that is just my own personal theory and opinion (not fact).

The personal challenges I face with having to cope with my husband’s way of reasoning, often provides me with new perspectives in understanding his way of reasoning.  I must admit, sometimes his off-the-wall reasoning for the most ridiculous of ridiculous things does make sense, deep logical sense.  There is often times a hint of genius behind his logical reasoning that just seems to tumble out in unexpected ways.  Thus, another reason why I am so fascinated by his Asperger’s mind.

And Here We Are…

So, that is my very personal, very embarrassing journey, that fueled my fascination with the brain and mental health.  I am not an expert, scientist, doctor, or psychologist, but I think being someone who has personally experienced a mental health problem, educated in Biology, and familiar with medical science, I can offer, at the very least, an interesting perspective on mental health.

This blog isn’t just about my husband’s quirks; it is about me, as a loving spouse without Asperger’s, trying to better understand and cope with his Asperger’s mind.  I hope my experiences and insights can encourage others, in similar situations, to remain positive and open-minded through their own personal journey with mental health.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I Start A Blog: Married To Asperger’s

I am happily married to Asperger’s; I mean, I am happily married to a partner with Asperger’s. ❤

Image result for marriage memes images

Acceptance is key to a healthy and happy relationship with a person with Asperger’s.  If not, well, I can tell you it helps; in addition to, drinking lots of strong coffee, with a dash of great understanding, sprinkled with a bit of patience, topped with a good sense of humor, enjoying your cup of coffee while looking out a new window everyday to gain a better perspective.  No doubt that living with a partner with Asperger’s can be challenging, but it can be just as rewarding as a delicious cup of coffee.  Obviously, I like coffee.  

What Is Asperger’s

Well, technically, it is called Asperger Syndrome.  It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects socialization and communication skills.  It is categorized as a high-functioning form of Autism.

  • Trouble making eye contact
  • One-way communictaion (either talks about themselves or listens without input or acknowledgement)
  • Lack social courtesy, making themselves seem rude, disrespectful, selfish, and lazy
  • Cannot pick up on body language, hints, and gestures
  • Difficulty with sarcasm and interprets information literally
  • Difficulty with emotions (cannot express own emotions, difficulty regulating emotions, trouble expressing empathy and gratitude towards others)

For more general information pertaining to Asperger’s Syndrome, I recommend visiting this website: Asperger’s Syndrome: What Are the Signs and Symptoms of the Disorder? 

The degree of Asperger symptoms can vary, allowing some individuals to live normal lives without ever realizing they have Asperger’s.  However, sometimes, Asperger’s can be a real bummer, affecting work (especially, if a job position requires effective communication skills), social life, parenting, and, of course, affect a perfectly good relationship / marriage.  Asperger’s in those situations are challenging to overcome for everyone involved, including those who do not have Asperger’s.

The Asperger’s Mind Is Not Flawed, Just Different

Obviously, there is a difference between the Asperger mind and the non-Asperger mind, but only in the way it processes and responds to information.  That is it, under the quirky processing cogs, you have an average individual; perhaps one who enjoys long walks on a beach, sipping on Pina Colada’s, and getting caught in the rain…

My point is, the Asperger’s mind doesn’t define anyone.  They say, “actions speak louder than words,” well, to have a successful relationship with a person who has Asperger’s, you must learn to realize that it is their words that speak louder than actions.  This is because they often do not understand what certain actions mean emotionally to others (socially) and because words are interpreted and expressed literally, you find more worth in their words than with their actions.  Yup, it’s just one of the fun backwards quirks of the Asperger’s mind.

The Asperger’s Mind Will Not Change

Bad news for those hoping to expect their partners with Asperger’s to do all the changing.  It will not happen.  I have been trying to force my husband to change his ways for years!  Turns out, the Asperger’s mind cannot be reprogrammed; at least not without some effort from its owner.  I am a true believer that one can successfully change their thinking habits no matter how it is wired, but it requires a lot of work.  So, taking the lead of Asperger’s logic, following the path of least resistance, I have realized that I am going to have to think outside the box on this one and learn to speak to the brain and not the heart.  I am not talking about learning to be telepathic, although, I often wonder if my husband expects me to read his mind.  Be much easier to communicate, I’ll tell ya that!

I believe I think too much emotionally with my heart than I do logically with my brain.  I blame hormones, but hey, what do I know.  Anyways, I discovered that if I calm down (nix the emotions) and speak literally and to the point, I can better communicate with my husband.  The same goes for interpreting  his actions or lack of actions; by nixing the emotions and thinking logically.  Basically, not reading too much into his actions.

Still Takes Two To Communicate

Although, I have learned the best way to communicate with my husband is by nixing the emotions, I am still an emotional person and my husband had to learn that about me.

However, he still cannot gauge my emotions.  I learned that if I am reasonably upset about something, he thinks I am “over reacting.”  When I am forced to explain my emotions rather than the problem that caused my emotions, is when I know we are not on the same page.  I think this is where most communication goes south in most relationships with Asperger’s; that pivotal point when a non-Asperger’s partner try’s to persuade their Asperger’s partner to feel just as strongly as they do about something as an attempt to get them on the same page.  We often forget that people do not have to be on the same “emotional” page to have equal understanding of something.

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To effectively communicate with one another, my husband had to learn to recognize when I am being emotional.  Although he cannot recognize and process emotions, he can certainly recognize when I am not making any sense to him (because I am speaking with emotion rather than logic).  He had to go out of his comfort zone to verbally acknowledge when I am not making any sense to him, so that I can nix the emotions and speak more logically.  He doesn’t have to tell me that I am being emotional, because 9 out of 10, he doesn’t know why I am not making any sense to him.

Before, he would just let me go on and on and on, BUT, it does take two to effectively communicate.  Thus, requires some effort from the other side, even if it is something as simple as saying, “I do not understand.”  This is a key phrase that indicates to my non-Asperger mind, that I better try again, but with less emotion, so that my husband’s Asperger mind can better understand what I am blabbering about emotionally.  This new tactic in communication has been extremely helpful in effectively communicating with each other.

Can You Relate?

I can talk about Asperger’s all day.  The good, the bad, and the crazy.

Learning more about Asperger’s has changed the way I communicate with my husband.  He use to be the most difficult person to live with and now, that I better understand him, he is nothing more than a loving husband who just so happens to look at the world from a completely different perspective, a logical perspective.

I know I am not alone when it comes to trying to understand the Asperger mind; therefore, I decided to start this blog.  I was hesitant at first, but with so much negative outlooks regarding Asperger relationships, I felt the need to share my experiences to provide hope to those who are not ready to give up on their partner’s.  Relationships with Asperger partners is not impossible, just takes a new perspective to make things work!   

Comments Always Welcome!